Dear Comrade Readers.We sincerely hope you were paying attention last week.

Understandably, attention no longer accepts payment in usaless local currency; she will now only take usafuls. Usa-challenged people can’t pay attention or anything else, and must concentrate on survival. Chefs, of course, are spared the humiliation of this deprived condition.

Some may be wondering who this "we" is. It’s very simple. The Fiddler has had a complete makeover. Out went the seedy, shambling, care worn model. The reconditioned version was sleeker, speedier, sexier ("He’s too sexy for his false teeth") and slightly more functional. But nostalgia precluded the complete abandonment of the old persona. So we decided that the two models should be allowed to operate in tandem; hence the "we." We two get on considerably better together than the old and new political parties that are supposed to be running a collaborative government.

The town of Intercourse is in Amish country in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. The Old Order Amish foreswear most things modern – they use horse and buggies instead of motor cars, wear plain, modest clothing and the men sport full beards.

The Amish give their towns quaint names. One traveller related how he first passed through Bird-in-Hand to get to Intercourse, then in a round-about way he ended up in Paradise. One book about travels in this area is entitled "Reaching Paradise through Intercourse."

The name "Intercourse" has no sexual connotations whatsoever, despite assumptions by smutty minded individuals to the contrary. There are several possible origins for the name. One is it comes from the name used for the entrance to an old race track on the outskirts of the town, "Entercourse", which later became "Intercourse". Another says it refers to the intersection of two roads, which came to be known as the "Intercourse". The third is that it derives from the Old English for fellowship or social interaction and friendship which was the characteristic of agricultural village culture at this time.

These perfectly innocent explanations haven’t stopped vulgar tourists from flocking to the town so that they could have their stupid photographs taken alongside the sign for the town, pointing at it and giggling. These imbeciles would then send these photos to their idiotic friends and colleagues for their silly amusement.

Now back to Prof. Fowler. Asked about when amatory passions cease, he responded, "A popular physician and author contends that in well-regulated lives the sexual passions become less and less imperious, diminishing gradually until, at an average age of forty-five in a woman and fifty-five in a man, they are but rarely awakened and seldom solicited. As I grow older I find I do not wholly subscribe to this view. Indeed I have proof that it is, at least in one case, fallacious."

However, on another occasion when asked about whether those of an advanced age should continue to engage in a bit of nookie, he rather contradicted his previous advice by saying, "It can be dangerous, as the physician who wrote Satan in Society, has pointed out. This author, who wishes to be anonymous, advises elderly folks to renounce that which is no longer in harmony with their age and powers. To quit before losing entirely, he says, is an essential article of the hygienic code of old men. He seconds the medical maxim that each time a man delivers himself to this indulgence he casts a shovelful of earth upon his coffin." The wages of sin and all that.

Thus we geriatrics are left somewhat confused as the following cases show. The first from England might be referred to as the deadpan case. Mrs Mabel Hyams (79) had one leg and was confined to a wheelchair. She was found guilty of beating her husband to death with a plastic bedpan after he taunted her about his extramarital affairs 40 years ago. The second case is from Germany. An 85-year- old man called police for help on New Year’s Eve after his wife locked herself in their bedroom with her lover. The man told the police his wife, also 85, had refused to open the door for him. He asked the police to come and throw her friend, aged about 50, out of the house because he was too old and frail to do it for himself. When the police told him they could not intervene in domestic disputes, the pensioner retorted: "I shall just have to be unfaithful myself then."

Love can sometimes involve geo-political aspects. There are those, for instance, that closely study the Internal Affairs of the region known as the Netherlands. In our own country some politicians’ love of the country assumes a violent dimension that is tantamount to rape.

Here’s an easy one: Who is sexier, Sarah or Bruni? Canadian comedian posing as French President Nicolas Sarkozy told the incredibly gullible Sarah Palin that this wife, Bruni, is "so hot in bed". He told her Bruni had written a song for her at Joe the Plumber entitled De rouge a levre sur un cochon — "Lipstick on a Pig." (The Republicans wrongly accused Obama of describing Palin as a pig with lipstick on.) The impersonator asked Palin if Joe the Plumber was her husband, adding: "We have the equivalent of Joe the Plumber in France. It’s called Marcel, the guy with bread under his armpit."

Obama won by repeatedly declaring that political change had to occur. There’s a new world somewhere they call the Promised Land and yes we can do it. We all anxiously await and yearn for change but, at times, it seems like waiting for Godot – we don’t even know if Godot exists which makes his imminent arrival uncertain. Those of us of ancient vintage can’t afford to wait much longer. Indeed we can’t afford very much at all.

Comments (2)

Show/Hide comments

Show/Hide comment form